So many thoughts....

...that I cannot really blog about. I need a private diary, I guess. I can blog about these thoughts in rather obscure terms, I suppose, so that no one can identify the events or people about which I'm blogging.

One of the things that is bothering me greatly: At some point, I seem to have decided to exchange any hope of long-term happiness or contentment for brief pockets of happiness. I know that these tiny glimpses of joy are unsustainable, yet I keep sacrificing chances for long-term contentment for the short term stuff. At what point did I decide that I was not worthy or able to sustain long-term contentment? At what point did I decide this was a fair exchange? This is all serious food for thought. I cannot stop making self-destructive decisions (no, not drugs, drink or anything like that. It's emotional stuff). So the question is--why? And do I want to stop? And if I want to stop, shouldn't I be able to do so? Where do I go from right here? I try not to dwell too much on this same time last year, but when I do think about it--I was in much better spirits then. I guess the thing to do is to not try to get back to that place, but to try to figure out a better, different frame of mine to achieve.

I have other stuff to say but too emotionally tapped to write about it. Bleh.

Girly Girl....

Which I definitely am NOT, I guess. Just got a pedicure/manicure for the first time today. It looks great, but I can't type with these french tips. But I don't think I'm a tomboy either.

I should write more. I see it's been more than a month since my last post. But everything I would write about involves whining pathetically. And that's just not attractive.

I think I don't understand how things work, most of the time. And by "things," I guess I mean relationships. I don't know if I'm unbelievably naive or incredibly stupid or sadly hopeful or maybe all of these things.

These nail tips suck. Can't type. Wonder if I'll get used to it.

Needles and Pins-uh

Getting back in touch with the early sixties vibe and trying to remember the songs I listened to when I was into that. Could NOT for the life of me remember the name of the above song by The Searchers. I could only remember the "pins-uh." They put the "uh" sound on the end of pins. And that's it. Luckily, I was listening to my beautiful, sparkling, lovely XM satellite radio on the way home and the channel "60's on 6" played it! Yes! "Last night, I saw her face, it was the face I loved, and I knew I had to run away....and get down on my knees and pray...that they'd go away...that's how it begins-uh. Needles and pins-uh." YES! Oh. And the reason I'm trying to get in touch with early sixties is to put together the best house music ever for my show.

This is why I like having a blog because NO WAY would any of my friends or colleagues have sat still for that story. Yay bloggy blog blog.

And then one great song after another, including one by the Serendipity Singers (anyone? anyone?) that is PERFECT for the show. Yes. And then "I Only Want to Be With You" by Dusty Springfield. Was anyone better at singing that shit than Dusty?? Nope. And my favorite girl group, the Shangri-las. I plan to play the only cheerful song (okay, not the ONLY one, but one of the very few) "Give Him a Great Big Kiss." I love the Shangri-las. All the other girl groups were singing about their loves in a bubble gum way, but to the Shangri-las, love was from a dark and dangerous place, across the railroad tracks and under a dim streetlight. It usually ended in death. I find that appealing. Probably because I am weird. Or "emo." Hehehehe. But I love the dialogue in their songs. Of course it's contrived, but it's effective and sincere. And so melodramatic. One song, "Past, Present, and Future" is entirely spoken with a creepy piano playing in the background, and it alludes to rape, something that certainly wasn't talked about much in the popular songs of the time. The Shangri-las were way ahead of their time. Or maybe it was Shadow Morton that was way ahead of his time.

I also like my blog because I can write in all caps as much as I want. YES. I like my blog because I can go ON and ON about the Shangri-las.

I'm glad I have my blog because according to the "Mailbag" column in People, only women who have husbands and children are important, significant, or contribute in any way to society. This was a response to Jennifer Aniston's assertion that she is happy. So in my blog I can say, "WTF, Adriane from Pheonix???"

Yes. I read People magazine. Since I was a teen-ager. Don't judge.

'Cause that's how it begins-uh.

Made Summer Sun

"Keen" is also a noun and an adjective. Here are some "keen" things:

1. I wrote my paper! It's really shitty! But I'm happy!
2. Kinda have a crush on Richard III. Okay, so...he's got the hunchback and he murders some people, but....totally redeemable, right? It's not like he's living in his mother's basement or anything. He's just so much smarter than everyone else. Especially if he's played by Al Pacino. He can woo me over a casket any day.
3. Writing an application essay for an NEH grant. This might be harder than the Shakespeare paper, because I have to talk about how great I am, or the great things I have done. It's not any false sense of modesty when I say I just don't think I'm that great or that I've done anything great. I've done....okay. I feel okay about myself and my work, but there's room for improvement, always. I don't think I'll get an NEH grant on "room for improvement." Big 'ol sigh.
4. The movie "Roxanne" is on. Love Steve Martin in this and in everything. I like the big nose...hmmm, big noses, hunchbacks....what's the deal here?
5. I listen to this group called The Jayhawks and "Smile" is my favorite album, but this song "Broken Harpoon" came on, which is a very slow and kind of sad song that I really don't know the lyrics to. And I started giggling at the connotation of "harpoon" and its being broken....tee hee hee. Never occurred to me before.
6. Still have a bunch of work to do and this is my last weekend off for a long time. Ick city. But almost three terms down now. I sort of dread summers because there's too much time to brood, but maybe I can make something good out of it this time.
7. All kinds of crappy romantic movies on today that I usually hate, but they were good background for the writing of the paper: Legally Blonde, Dirty Dancing, and Titanic. I do like to watch the ship sink.
8. No Pudge brownie mix. MMMMMMMMM. And low calorie. Unless you have three of them a day. Probably not so good. But better than three real brownies. Right? Right?

Keen.

Melancholy Baby

KEEN \ˈkēn\ (verb)

1. to make a long and loud cry of sorrow: to lament.
2. to lament, mourn or complain loudly

I love this word and the action. If more of us keened when grieving, we'd probably all feel a lot better. Something about keep grief to oneself makes it fester, infect, poison. Keening regularly--wailing, crying, rocking--would open wounds and let them drain.

Lately I have keened, sometimes unexpectedly. I think it does help, but grief is such a strange entity. I have old and new grief. The old grief surfaces at odd moments, almost like a lost treasure. When it hits, it's more surprising than painful, I think. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm grieving over a particular event or person until it slams into me.  Other grief is newer, fresher, harder, more persistent and tenuous, in part because I can't quite convince myself of the actual loss. I still think I can dive down into the depths and dig and salvage, even though as I do so, I am drowning and gasping. So it is definitely time to let go and to grieve. To keen. Except to do that means letting go completely of a dream, an idea, a longing. I am having trouble with this currently, which is strange to me, because my whole life has been about saying goodbye to people and letting go.

As a military child, I was always saying goodbye. I learned to treasure my library and my toys, which were portable friends. Real live friends were always harder to acquire, and once I got comfortable, I would have to leave them anyway. I think I got pretty good at leaving. And even though I've been stationary (more or less) for the past 16 years, I can generally say goodbye and mean it and move on, although of course I have regrets and sadness. But now...I am having trouble. I don't want to continue to leave people, either physically or emotionally. I want to stick around. I want them to stick around.  I have no one in my life that I knew from elementary school. Or high school. Or college, even. The longest friendships I have only go back around ten years. No one has witnessed my steps; my footprints have barely indented the sand. So I have only my memory of beautiful moments to sustain me--the ones who shared those beautiful memories have long since moved on. This sometimes seems unbearably sad to me.

So I keen. To lament, mourn, or complain loudly.

Blue

Kind of a deep blue. With a purple tint. Yeah. Plus it's Sunday night. And Sunday nights suck. So. Blue. Kind of a deep blue...

Resolve

So...I don't really do New Year's Resolutions. And if I do, they always revolve around my weight. So for the last fifteen, twenty years it seems I've been trying to lose this weight. And then I eat Chinese food. Which sounds really good right now, especially if it comes from Great Wall. Curry chicken, mmmmmmmm.

But that being said, I do have some things I'd like to change. And I mean real change, which is so hard to do.

I guess an all-encompassing goal is improve the quality of my life. This includes:

1. Yes. Going on a diet. Or "healthy eating plan," as I like to put it. I'm doing quite well. However, Nutrisystem says to maximize results, one shouldn't drink alcohol while on the plan. This is unreasonable and unfair. But I'm doing it their way. No wonder I've been cranky. No sweet and sour pork. No alcohol. No fried things. Are these things not the very essence of life?

And the exercise part. A struggle.

2. Finding a damn hobby.I'm working on this. Something that does NOT have anything to do with the theatre. I think I've decided to learn to play the bass guitar. Now I have to buy one. And learn to play it. Unfortunately this costs...

3. Money. Finances are the bane of my life. And now that I am in my fourth decade, I need to be thinking about retirement. I'm doing better, but it just seems that lately my expenses are outstripping my income, and I haven't been able to save the way I need to. I probably should find a cheaper place to live, but it's nice to not have to worry about getting murdered in the parking lot. I mean, I suppose it could still happen, but less likely here than it was at Silver Springs. Plus there's a nice lake here. With ducks. Yeah.

4. Love. I feel like I have a lot of "lost" loves out there wandering around, more than the average woman. I know that I have to be responsible for part of that. It can't be all the fault of the men. So...what choices do I need to make to have a permanent love? And do I even want that? I do think it would improve the quality of my life to be with the right person. Something that keeps happening is that I seem to be the "training wheels" for some of my boyfriends. They go on to have successful relationships/marriages. Just not with me. I try to find this interesting rather than frustrating.

I can't get the bass line to "Add It Up" by the Violent Femmes out of my head. I guess I'll go online and look for a good bass guitar.