Sunday, January 9, 2011


Kind of a deep blue. With a purple tint. Yeah. Plus it's Sunday night. And Sunday nights suck. So. Blue. Kind of a deep blue...

Saturday, January 8, 2011


So...I don't really do New Year's Resolutions. And if I do, they always revolve around my weight. So for the last fifteen, twenty years it seems I've been trying to lose this weight. And then I eat Chinese food. Which sounds really good right now, especially if it comes from Great Wall. Curry chicken, mmmmmmmm.

But that being said, I do have some things I'd like to change. And I mean real change, which is so hard to do.

I guess an all-encompassing goal is improve the quality of my life. This includes:

1. Yes. Going on a diet. Or "healthy eating plan," as I like to put it. I'm doing quite well. However, Nutrisystem says to maximize results, one shouldn't drink alcohol while on the plan. This is unreasonable and unfair. But I'm doing it their way. No wonder I've been cranky. No sweet and sour pork. No alcohol. No fried things. Are these things not the very essence of life?

And the exercise part. A struggle.

2. Finding a damn hobby.I'm working on this. Something that does NOT have anything to do with the theatre. I think I've decided to learn to play the bass guitar. Now I have to buy one. And learn to play it. Unfortunately this costs...

3. Money. Finances are the bane of my life. And now that I am in my fourth decade, I need to be thinking about retirement. I'm doing better, but it just seems that lately my expenses are outstripping my income, and I haven't been able to save the way I need to. I probably should find a cheaper place to live, but it's nice to not have to worry about getting murdered in the parking lot. I mean, I suppose it could still happen, but less likely here than it was at Silver Springs. Plus there's a nice lake here. With ducks. Yeah.

4. Love. I feel like I have a lot of "lost" loves out there wandering around, more than the average woman. I know that I have to be responsible for part of that. It can't be all the fault of the men. So...what choices do I need to make to have a permanent love? And do I even want that? I do think it would improve the quality of my life to be with the right person. Something that keeps happening is that I seem to be the "training wheels" for some of my boyfriends. They go on to have successful relationships/marriages. Just not with me. I try to find this interesting rather than frustrating.

I can't get the bass line to "Add It Up" by the Violent Femmes out of my head. I guess I'll go online and look for a good bass guitar.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Fawkes the Phoenix from the H.P books has always fascinated me. He reaches his full plumage, molts a bit, then goes up in glorious flames to be reborn again--naked, featherless, and helpless, picking his way through the ashes of his former glory. He does all this seemingly without upheaval, fuss or any sort of emotional or physical pain. Everyone around him (unless it's Harry, seeing it for the first time) takes it for granted this bird will destroy itself and rise again.

I have had times in my life when I have been on the precipice of feeling really good. I have felt I was reaching a critical turning point where I was going to make a real change, or experience a long-lasting feeling of well-being, or on the edge of truly experiencing good emotional health. Sometimes it's because I'm in counseling, or doing okay on medications, or both. And then something happens. It usually involves an unhealthy choice or series of unhealthy choices on my part. Of course, the choice doesn't look unhealthy at the time--it glitters and gleams and excites and ignites. It surges through me, making me feel truly alive and vibrant and invulnerable. I am in my full plumage, and I believe that I am going to stay that way. Of course, all the glitter is just an illusion--the fire that attracts is the same fire that destroys. And contrary to Fawkes' sangfroid, it hurts. It hurts like hell, down to the core, and the fire sweeps from within and destroys all the well-being, the health, the optimism. I am a ruin. And I know I am to blame for it. I cannot shove that responsibility over to someone else. I am the chaser of rainbows. I tilt at windmills. I follow the primrose path. Even when I know (as I usually do) that it will end in total consumption and destruction. But the fire feels so good at first, I believe it will be worth it. And then I always retain the hope that I will survive with plumage intact. I am arrogant in my naivete.

But once again, I find myself naked, defenseless, picking my way through the ashes. I shiver. No plumage to protect me. I am vulnerable. But I am not without hope that I can change. I still believe in my power to make healthy choices, and to perhaps learn, finally, to stay away from shiny things. And become flame-resistant. I hope. I hope. I hope.....

Hehehe. Dramatic much? You bet. Goes with the territory.